So it's been awhile...this blog and I both belong on very different timelines and every so often my person comes screaming past and two separate universes follow parallel for a rare moment. So much has happened. So much has not happened. Have a birthday coming up actually and I haven't quite figured out what I think about that. Been listening to music that makes feel like an absolute pissed off force of nature while I try figure what puzzle I want to do next and wearing an oversized men's sweater like a shirt. It's a vibe. People will be visiting around Christmas and I feel kind of over the moon about it. Also how the heck is it Christmas already. What year is it?
Curious how you all have been doing. I've fallen off the planet entirely.
As previously mentioned, I was going to leave another note asking where he had left other paintings as well as a few other questions.
This note was a success. R. Duncan, local city worker cryptid and leaver of paintings in the woods, has become a phone contact. With (obvious) caution, I asked a few questions. Some updates on the artist I'll keep private, since they don't know me and I don't know them, another thing is that I now own the painting that was in my woods (still think this whole set-up was hilarious. I stumbled across a sort-off parks and rec episode happening in the distance and I had no idea.)
So he told me a couple locations where he had left paintings. I tried going to the first spot, but since the location he gave was a little vague/didn't exactly match his description, we're not sure we were at the right location. So here's take one on an on-going hunt for paintings.
Saw a few things. A deer, a squirrel, several birds, construction. No paintings though.
The hunt is ongoing. I may have not have found anything yet, but here's the backside of a water and sewer building for those as invested in this as I am. To riveting content and the people that follow this blog for said riveting content. Here ya go.
So I'm not sure how noticeable this has been on my blog, but there's a trail that I use a lot. For photos, just walking in, whatever. This trail has gone through several little phases and I can pretty much safely say that I've been there since it's almost beginning. From the afterthought of a footpath that it originally was, to the more established one it's starting to look like. Basically I'm proving my right to have claimed this tiny little, public path as my own. Obviously, this patch of woods is mine. Has been for some time.
Anyway, starting a few weeks ago, someone left a painting on this trail. No note. Nothing. Just a painting.
I speculated. Called for bets to be placed on who did this.
About a week ago I left a note saying basically, 'Love the painting, but curious why you've left it out there. Are you advertising, selling it, or just decorating the woods?' type thing.
Kept checking.
Day 1: Left a note.
Day 2: Note was gone.
Day 3: Realized the painting was wet. Painting was completely unharmed. But heart attack inducing discovery for a moment. Thought at the time that maybe the artist that left it here had maybe done a touch up job. Based on the information I know now, this was probably just due to the weather.
Day 4-something days: No response. Painting did move from it's original spot once but that's about it news wise.
Day Yesterday: Got a response. Badly redacted for obvious reasons. But this whole thing is a plot twist I could have never seen coming.
For clarification it says:
Glad you like it. The artist will be happy too. He's a guy I work with named Conner. Although he may not be happy that I put the painting he gave me in the forest. It looks good here though. There are several stations throughout the city where I've placed his paintings. We both work for the City (redacted) in Water and Sewer.
Like who would have guessed that?
Anyway. I am planning on leaving another note asking where the other paintings are because I am unhinged and need to know this information. So maybe this will get an update. Maybe it won't. Who can even say?
The things I find on this unassuming little path...
Be it bears or supportive City workers and their artistic friends
Something I never really talked about was the wisdom teeth surgery and the riot of emotions that came with that. So I'm going to write something in hindsight and maybe some of you will want the information later cause it's something that I would've liked to know.
I had a wisdom teeth surgery a couple years ago and it actually went really well surgery wise. I didn't have pain and healed pretty quickly. Obviously still surgery and there's recovery and all that, but all in all it went really well.
In saying that...the emotional fallout was wild. I'm in general a rather emotional, bit-of-a-wreck, and dramatic wench that has my own sets of issues already, anxiety, my own weird struggle with on/off depression, family issues, (you know, the usual dose of cyanide really); so take all this with a grain of salt. What happens to me is not necessarily what happens to you. I'm only saying what happened to me. We all already understand this information so I trust your own intelligence for keeping that all in mind.
I swear all this information has a reason and will come into play later. But first, a list of general things that I learned that I would have liked to know at the time.
- The threads in your mouth are meant to dissolve. If they feel like they're coming loose or are even out in pieces, that's completely normal. They're supposed to do that. Side tip: if you ever think you're gums are physically falling out of your mouth and you're freaking out, it's just a noodle. You're fine.
- You're probably tasting a bad taste in your mouth. That's normal and does eventually go away. I don't know what causes it, but the salt water rinses are supposed to help you keep from getting infected. It's all good.
- The freezing takes WAY longer to come out than Google says it will. It will go back to normal, but the freezing will come out in stages. If one part of your mouth is still frozen way longer than the rest of it that's normal. If your lip/cheek feels tingly, that's just the freezing coming out. You'll want to keep using the cold/hot compresses that the dentist should be recommending you, but it's all okay. DO keep you're dentist/guy that did the surgery updated though if you're worried. They've done this thousand times. They know what they're doing, and they know that you're freaked out. They got you.
-I couldn't open my jaw much for the first few days. Like it was maybe able to open like a finger-width at first. I was worried that something was wrong and maybe I wouldn't ever be able to full open my mouth again. It took about a week/and a half I think but my jaw was back to my normal jaw range.
- If you thought you were going to be productive, believe me you won't be. Not because physically you can't, but you're focus is really weird.
-You're sleeping patterns are going to be messed up. Because you're recovering, it's a combination that you're body has been in bed mostly so you're just not really tired, and also you're freaked out more than your giving yourself a chance to be because you're thinking of all the ways this can go wrong.
-Smoothies will change your life more than they ever have before. You're very hungry and not having food properly is messing you up more than you think it is. Food in your system fixes everything.
-This surgery will activate what I call the 'cat instinct', after the surgery you're feeling kind of helpless and abandoned. But also, you're injured and want to be left alone. So you may find yourself doing the cat thing where they enter a room, hang around people for a few minutes and then just leave. This is normal. You're just feeling a bit helpless and raw and looking for connection. The moment you feel like emotional connection has been made you leave. These are normal injured introvert reactions.
Onto the more emotional content... *cracks knuckles*
Here's the thing. I don't know what the drugs are, or what those drugs do on an emotional level, but it's wild. I don't even know if those emotions are actually related to the drugs. Basically, the emotions that you feel are real. They are valid. They are genuinely things that you worry about. However, in saying that, being helpless and on drugs makes all the emotions you feel like 10x worse than they are and you feel really sensitive. You're running on drugs, nerves, and a serious lack of solid food. Bad combination. Just because you feel something, doesn't necessarily mean it's accurate.
Even if you have people checking up on you and people that care you're going to be feeling alone and abandoned. Basically you are feeling stressed and helpless and you're emotions are heightened because even if you feel like after everything you've been panicking about the surgery is actually not as bad as you were thinking and logically you know you're fine; all your body just knows that you're injured. Your body is panicked because it really doesn't know what happened. Your brain says you're fine but your body is in a weird fight or flight. Basically if you feel like someone is letting you down at all this is the moment it really gets to you.
On the flip side, if you feel like you're being let down, you also feel like you are letting everyone else down in a big way. This is also the time that you feel it.
Maybe that's just me though. If you do feel that though, I swear it's okay. You're okay. The drugs/lack of food just amp those feelings up to like an 11. Those feelings do pass. You feel like you're taking emotional damage at the time, but once you get food back into your system I swear things start to balance out again. Sounds dramatic, and it is, but like I go on emotional rampages when I'm hungry. Funny later, but rough in the moment.
Also you feel like you can't really complain because when you went into the surgery and you hear everything they tell you. It sounds like the worst thing that 'might' happen to you. And then you get the surgery and it's not anywhere near as bad as you were expecting because you were watching videos of other people and catastrophizing. You feel like you can't talk about it because you are aware that you're just freaking out and logically you know that you're fine. You compare what you're going through to what other people have gone through and you're like 'they have it so much worse' and you push those emotions to the side. It's okay. Everything will be okay. You can absolutely complain. It may not be as bad as you expected but the whole situation is not 'fun'.
Basically, if you feel like you're going crazy, you're not. Those feelings do pass. There is explanations for all of it. Everything will be okay. But seriously, do keep you're dentist/guy that did the surgery updated if you have questions and are worried. They really do got you.
The reason that I write this post, is that when I had the surgery, I never saw anyone talk about the emotional reaction to the surgery. It wasn't something (from my minimal research of mostly just watching funny videos of people high after their surgery. DO NOT google symptoms when you're already panicked. It's bad enough when you're sober.) It just wasn't something I saw even brought up, so I didn't think it was something that happened. I just thought, once again, I was just being ridiculous. Just emotionally bottle THAT whole thing and kick it under the rug with the rest of them.
Turns out other people do also have weird emotional responses to things and it's not just me. People really do appreciate the heads up of 'hey, I know, and everything is going to be okay.' Like who knew people other than me also had emotions and could freak out about things? Wild.
So this post is for the ones that think they're losing it. We're okay.
So years ago I watched a show called House of Anubis. It was a really badly written show with even worse acting and I loved it. It was the Egyptian content my 12 or whatever self wanted. I feel like it's one of those ones that unless you watched it at 12 it really doesn't hold up. I mean it never did but I have nostalgia for it. The point of all this is to bring you possibly the best character to come out of the show. The man himself...
Since I have given you no context he's the headmaster of an Egyptian myth/British archeological inspired Hogwarts knock-off and leader? of the secret society cult that is actually running the school to become immortal. Does this context help? I basically remember very little about this show but every night 5 minutes to 9? 10? he would shout at the base of the stairs that it was '5 minutes to 10 precisely and then he wants to hear a pin drop' and he has a stuffed raven that turns out later was actually his condescending dad's raven (he doesn't have daddy issues leave him alone) and he literally ends up liking this one (secretly evil) woman who stuffed her dog and carries it around with her because ya know weird likes weird.
This show is bad. Not good. And yet...the gems that have come out of this are immaculate.
This man right here being the main one
Also the video is not mine it's someone off youtube called Kynia with the link here if you'd prefer to use that. Credit to them for that. This video is just too good not to share.
Very famous and important artists that I should really know the name of at this current moment in time. (This post was made under extreme outside duress, topical research and not at all a caffeine addled and procrastinary state that no one asked for.)
Is it the effort, the thought, the talent? The execution? What makes it so magical?
I've uncovered the secret.
It's this metallic rich espresso paint
This is the secret of these things. The influential root of their genius. There are no other reasons. It's not just that I really like this paint/colour (plus the obvious similar colours in it's colour spectrum and relation such as copper, or the shade of green that would pair really well with this. That pearly white or the kind of white that's really white. You know the kinds; aesthetic fall in paint form.)
All the people in my carefully curated list of sources have used this in their colour palates. They seem to gravitate, at least in the specific examples that I pick out and generalize, have a thing for this spectrum of metallic colours.
The point to all of this you ask? There is none. Somehow this paint shade is involved. This is how I recommend things. You should all know this by now.
Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron (2002) is, at it's basic level, a cartoon starring a horse. According to the synopsis for the movie, Spirit sets out on 'an action-packed quest against impossible odds to regain his freedom and save his homeland...' things happen, people are met, story happens. It's an incredible movie that had a deep impact on me when I was a kid and it's never lessened with time. If anything I appreciate it all the more. If you have seen it, you know. If you haven't, ignore this whole post and go watch it. If you have seen it and decided you don't like it, this blog is not for you. Get out.
As the on-the-nose-yet-necessary-name-Spirit suggests, he's the embodiment of the wildness, the spirit of the west. In the movie Spirit gets captured after spotting evidence of humans and out of curiosity he goes off to investigate. After getting captured (mostly because he is protecting his herd, but originally because he was cocky) from his herd and home to be bought by this militant Calvary group. The Colonel in charge decides the way to break his spirit is to starve him for 3 days with no food or water. But Spirit can't be broken. When the Colonel tries to ride him to show his domination if you will and finds that even when Spirit is on the verge of falling over, he will fight back and this challenges the Colonel's image and ego. When the Colonel realizes that Spirit is refusing to be owned, he goes for a gun to kill him. Because he can't have him, no one will.
When Spirit is in the camp of Little Creek, he is not bridled or tied down. He's in a pen. A much looser containment system then the rigid Calvary, but he's still not free. The thing with Spirit, is that he will do whatever he needs to do to be free. The Calvary's attempted mark of ownership was going to be a brand. Little Creek tries to paint a brand on him. Obviously this is a far less intense version, but it's still a mark of ownership and Spirit doesn't give him the satisfaction.
The key difference after this failure to show this mark of ownership was that the Colonel tried to kill him. He wanted to own him. Little Creek simply laughs it off. While this process clearly worked fine for other horses, Spirit won't be something owned. That's kind of the point. Spirit had deep loyalties, but he was never something that was ever going to be owned. He had his own things. He had his own herd, his own home. His home/family being the most important thing that he would do anything for. He wasn't going to stay for anyone. This wasn't his. It wasn't home.
In The Little Prince by Antoine De Saint-Exupery, there's a fox. The little prince and the fox have a conversation where they talk about being tamed. The fox explains that being tamed means that one has to establish ties. That those ties are what tames him. Then he can play with the little prince because now they mean something to each other. Now they have importance to each other, rather than just being like any other little boy or fox.
Everyone trying to keep Spirit didn't realize one very critical thing about him. They made the mistake in thinking that because he was wild, they could 'tame' him. But really he had already beentamed in his own way. His home was his ties. Hence the importance in the narration when Spirit says that he wanted to share his homeland with Rain later on in the movie.
Little Creek eventually starts to understand Spirit. He treats him less like something to be kept. When he goes to ride him, he already knows Spirit won't be bridled, so he doesn't try. Every time he tries to ride him, he takes away anything that makes Spirit feel contained. Eventually he lets Spirit go altogether. This is the only moment that Spirit ever shows indecision. For a moment, he almost stays. Suddenly this thing has gotten more complicated. What was so clear at the beginning he's now a little less sure of. Incidentally, Little Creek is the only person Spirit lets ride him willing. The only person that he knew wouldn't hold him back. In saying this, Spirit also puts his own initial plan on hold when the ones that he cares about are in danger. When Little Creek's camp his attacked, Spirit goes to save them.
It's funny the moments of symbolism that happen so naturally. When Rain looks at the apple in the tree but knows it's too far for her to reach. She has a moment where she longs for it, but then shrugs it off and eats the grass. She wants something, but doesn't know that she can take it. It's too far and so she can't have it. Spirit doesn't have to make the discovery that she can have it. He already knows. It's not a matter of not getting it, he's going to. But he did notice that she wanted it. So he made it something reachable. He sort of defies his own limitations. Because sometimes he believes he can fly. And yet it's not even a passing thought to him. He just does it.
There's an argument or at least an observation to make between the parallels of her looking longingly at this thing out of her reach and Spirit's look where it's already his. It's just a reminder of what he already has. There's several moments in the movie where it shows that Rain longs for the same thing, the same need for freedom that Spirit has. She just hasn't let herself take it yet. Also the hilarious part about her, considering everything that Spirit does, she really knows how to mess with him.
When he's captured and on the train, he kind of gives up for a moment. For a moment, he doubts and that it's ever going to work out. He has his own sort of dark moment where he stops fighting. But he had friends and they saw him. It didn't really change anything in the moment, but when he realizes he still has the want inside of him, when he regains his self, he goes over to them. The spirit that couldn't be broken, almost, almost, had a moment where it broke. But then it came back. He remembered what he was fighting for. He started the movie so reckless and sure of himself. While he does mature, it never changes who he is.I don't know. This movie emotionally comprises me and inspires me every time. This isn't news. Moving on. I could talk for ages about this movie and there just isn't time enough.
This past year, I read the Winternight Trilogy by Katherine Arden. It changed my life. I honestly think each book gets better and better. I'm really not even sure where to begin. The protagonist is Vasya and the books are loosely inspired by a Russian folktale which they bring up in the books. Vasya is one of those characters that I'm always looking for but find incredibly hard to find. Her ability to just seem so human and yet bigger than life and her ability to not take no for an answer and draw things out. She's a force to be reckoned with and I don't know Katherine Arden did it. The books feel so alive. While Spirit and Vasya are clearly very different characters, I mean one is literally a horse, there's quite a few parallels between them. The way that Vasya goes from feral girl to the wild fate-changing 'witch' that she becomes. I just... Characters hunt her down, try to claim her if that makes sense, or try to tame her, somehow she's too big to be contained. She has her loyalties, she has intense feeling, and somehow the world itself changes for her. In other books, I'd find a character like her to be too contrived. They would get it wrong. But these ones. These books are special. Even Vasya as a character aside, these books are written so beautifully. They feel like clean air. They're incredible.
Essentially this post is me doing my version of 'if you like this thing, you'll like this other thing'. Keeping in mind of course, while there's similarities, they're both completely different things.
But then again, maybe you won't. Who knows really.
January is the anticipatory month. The month before the drop. The drop we handle in different ways, it's the expectation of the drop that gets us. The anxiety before the event.
So as a reminder for myself, you can't trust what comes out of January. It's a strange month. It's a month of restart; nothing in the year has happened yet. It can mean anything. It can also be the reminder that it's been another year. Somehow or other, you've come to this place again. A place already firmly situated in the months of seasonal depression. It's a bitter month for me that throws me for several months afterwards and it's a hell of a time feeling situated again. The first few months of the year are usually just me trying to figure out where I am in an almost literal way. If you're anything like me, you can't trust what comes out of January. You'll lose your mind. For all the strangeness of the month, later on, no matter how fast the year has gone, January always feels like a distant creature that almost doesn't feel real. In the end, you always kind of forget January until you meet them again. It's an emotionally abusive thing and I'm calling it out for what it is. For all the promises, there's no love in the end. January, for all it's potential, usually just leaves me feeling lost and untethered. January isn't a failure, it's a reminder that you'll figure it out day by day. You're getting there, to wherever or whatever that is. January's just a bastard, treat it like it is.
So here's to January. To the potential and the failures, it's always a hell of a ride.
