January is the anticipatory month. The month before the drop. The drop we handle in different ways, it's the expectation of the drop that gets us. The anxiety before the event.
So as a reminder for myself, you can't trust what comes out of January. It's a strange month. It's a month of restart; nothing in the year has happened yet. It can mean anything. It can also be the reminder that it's been another year. Somehow or other, you've come to this place again. A place already firmly situated in the months of seasonal depression. It's a bitter month for me that throws me for several months afterwards and it's a hell of a time feeling situated again. The first few months of the year are usually just me trying to figure out where I am in an almost literal way. If you're anything like me, you can't trust what comes out of January. You'll lose your mind. For all the strangeness of the month, later on, no matter how fast the year has gone, January always feels like a distant creature that almost doesn't feel real. In the end, you always kind of forget January until you meet them again. It's an emotionally abusive thing and I'm calling it out for what it is. For all the promises, there's no love in the end. January, for all it's potential, usually just leaves me feeling lost and untethered. January isn't a failure, it's a reminder that you'll figure it out day by day. You're getting there, to wherever or whatever that is. January's just a bastard, treat it like it is.
So here's to January. To the potential and the failures, it's always a hell of a ride.
Ooof yes to all of this! Especially January being like a distant creature. Fantastic! Also Aurora, gah her music!!
ReplyDeleteNeeded to get it out. It really is though.
DeleteRight!! She's so good
I was born in January and I kind of feel attacked. (but this post is true and I love it) (i love your blog in general, actually.)
ReplyDeleteGet thee behind me wench *eyes you suspiciously* XD (happy birthday month!!) (aww thanks)
DeleteI love the poetic nature of your post, and I feel similar about January.
ReplyDelete-Quinley
Sometimes you just have to write sucky feelings like a power move to feel better. Glad you liked it! January's weird right?
DeleteIf this isn't exactly how/what I've been thinking lately, I don't know what is. I forget how empty I feel in january/febuary(WINTER). and it always comes back. I just gotta remember that this feeling, this person I change into when the loneliness gets to me and I fade in and out of existence, doesn't last forever. I know that was probably kind of heavy, and I apologize for that lol. I'm not good at articulating my feelings but hopefully that kind of makes sense. Also, I want you to know that your blog is like, one of my favorites ever btw.
ReplyDeleteWinter really is a strange stretch of time isn't? Somehow it can be cozy but also it can be a rather brutal time. Never quite know which one until you get there. It really doesn't though, things come up and stuff happens. The emotions change. No! I'm a huge fan of heavy emotions. Hope we both feel a bit more tethered coming through it. I find sort creating a loose theme for yourself helps romanticize the time and takes off the lost feeling. Little things to make a harsh time a little more gentle. Might be what my next post is about actually who knows. Aw thanks! It means a lot that other people care about it.
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