I've always been very stuck in my own head. Too much. I've never known how to not be and it's sometimes messes me up a little when I feel like I miss an experience or I just can't be myself because I always try to take up as little space as possible. Anxiety and the on and off again bouts of depression never helped with that. I also have a terrible memory and this blog is a sort of record for myself. In 2020 I'm slowly trying to pull myself together as a human. Emphasis on slowly. It's strange seeing photos of yourself. Not the posed ones, but photos you wanted to take and realizing you did something and what you looked like to everyone else instead of remaining a sort of faceless thing to yourself. It's been a whole process and there's been a few times I feel like I've broken into pieces of something that needed patching back together. It's just growing up/older I guess? I'm working on it which is all I can do at this point. Spite is an incredible motivator.
I like to think I've also become kinder as a person. Friends definitely helped me start to come out of my shell a lot. Not that my family hasn't been helpful but I'm hoping I'm becoming a little more my own person. Which is something that's sometimes hard to explain.
It's not a linear struggle. There are times I'm sort of getting things done and then there's other times when I haven't been doing anything at all and then I feel guilty but I keep doing it. It's not even always about getting somewhere, most of the time it's just becoming a little more comfortable with myself. Enjoying interests more and feeling less guilty. Embracing things I would have looked down on before because I always hated to be seen as weak or soft which I used to equate to the same thing.
I'm still getting there but again it's a long and a very guttural and sometimes messy process. It's also kind of fun.
Feeling feral is amazing. As someone that feels very under-confident, it's a little boost. It feels like you're telling yourself you're doing okay and you can actually believe yourself. It's a relief really.
There's not really a point to this post except maybe some of you feel the same way.
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Cheers to feeling feral! It's quite a feeling.
ReplyDeleteGrowing up and figuring yourself out is such a weird process, but it seems like your managing. You got this!
Cheers! I love it
DeleteIt really is. No one ever really tells you about it. Thanks! You've been a huge help for me, you'll never know how much you've helped and I can't thank you enough for that